Which Wardrobe?

Most people know that I'm very proud of the fact that I'm an official tour guide for Aslan's How - which is my fancy way of saying Dr. G let me help give tours of his amazing house. I got to do the coolest part of the tour where you actually walk through the wardrobe. I got giddy every time. It's so much fun to take people through the house and point out all the fun Narnia items and talk about one of my favorite authors.

I've loved Lewis since I was in first grade when my dad read The Chronicles of Narnia to me (but you already knew that if you read my previous Narnia related blog post). I loved Lewis so much that when I was in high school, Wheaton College was my top choice for school for one simple reason - they are home to the largest collection of works by and about Lewis in the world. Ultimately, I decided that I should probably look at the educational offerings of colleges as well and ended up at a different school.

For the first time ever, I actually got to see this amazing collection when I visited the Marion E. Wade Center on Wheaton's campus. I had some free time and got a couple girls to come along with me to the small museum that honors Lewis and six other great writers. In their one room museum they have a fancy wardrobe (that is not nearly as nice or easily entered as the one at Dr. G's) along with Tolkien's old writing desk. Naturally these were exciting things, but the wardrobe didn't lead anywhere. To the left, however, there was a door that led me into a whole new world.

I entered the reading room, and with overwhelming joy and excitement completed the form to be allowed to take journals off the shelf to read what others had written about Lewis and leaf through extensive photo copies of his personal correspondence. The girl at the desk in the reading room was also a big fan of Lewis and she showed me where all the different journals and dissertations were. I spent the next hour and a half reading abstracts from dissertations of people who thought critically about the works I hold so dear. I even found a great paper comparing Gollum and Grendel based on Tolkien's criticism of Beowulf. There were literary critics looking at Lewis's representation of Cupid and Psyche and theologians examining his soteriology. I could have spent days reading the amazing criticism, but I moved on to skimming the scans of Boxen, the stories about talking animals which Lewis wrote with his brother as a kid. The sweet girl who showed me around had to come up to me after what only felt like a moment to tell me that I had to go because they were closing for the evening.

As I walked back out of the door, it felt like my bittersweet return to Britain from Narnia. For a brief moment, I was in a place where people were excited to engage critically with the ideas of a brilliant writer, and I could listen to what they had to say by reading their dissertations. I crave those conversations, and it was so refreshing to be alone with those texts that had a plethora of interesting ideas. I realized, though, that while I may not ever get to go back to read those dissertations, I'll get to go to a place that looks a lot more like Narnia in just a couple weeks. And Lewis related or not, I'll be able to have amazing conversations with people who are excited about the same things I am.

At dinner tonight, I had a great conversation about literary theory with a girl going to teach in Bolivia. We shared books we loved and talked about the great texts that had made us cry because they were written so well. Not only that, but before I even went to the Wade Center this afternoon, I got to talk about Toni Morrison's character development with another new English teacher at BFA. I am so excited about these people who I am going to be working with in the fall.

[Transition to significantly less nerdy content.]

Some of you may have spent the last few paragraphs wondering why I'm even on Wheaton's campus. Even more of you likely will never make it this far in the blog post because you gave up on me after the first two paragraphs of excessive literary content. For those who stayed strong to get to this events based update, I sincerely thank you. I recognize that I can get carried away with my English nerd excitement, and I genuinely try to reign it in often. In fact, after my last post I joked with a friend about making all of my posts allusions to a work of literature; while this post does, in fact, have a high literary content, I promise not to make every post connected to a book.

Back to the question: Why am I at Wheaton? Well, this week is the TeachBeyond orientation for all new candidates going overseas in the fall. I'm here to learn all about cultural transitions and TCKs and insurance. Oh my! It's been so amazing to meet people going to schools all around the globe, and especially to spend time getting to know some of the people I'll be working with at BFA. I may have seemed excited about going to Germany before, but my excitement as more than doubled after meeting these people and hearing parts of their stories.

I'll be back in Portland on Saturday, and I'll be just a month away from my goal move date. I'm still only at 45% of my funds, so please be praying that the rest of my monthly support will come in quickly.

I Volunteer as Tribute!

Bear with me, I'll bring this one around, but read through the story first:

In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, high and exalted, seated on a throne; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;

    the whole earth is full of his glory.”

 At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

He said, “Go and tell this people:

“‘Be ever hearing, but never understanding;

    be ever seeing, but never perceiving.’

Make the heart of this people calloused;

    make their ears dull

    and close their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

    hear with their ears,

    understand with their hearts,

and turn and be healed.”

Then I said, “For how long, Lord?”

And he answered:

“Until the cities lie ruined

    and without inhabitant,

until the houses are left deserted

    and the fields ruined and ravaged,

until the Lord has sent everyone far away

    and the land is utterly forsaken.

And though a tenth remains in the land,

    it will again be laid waste.

But as the terebinth and oak

    leave stumps when they are cut down,

    so the holy seed will be the stump in the land."

(Isaiah 6 NIV)

Clearly my call was much less dramatic - although it did involve a dramatic teenager saying some hurtful things that forced me to reevaluate my effectiveness as a youth leader. However, as fascinating as that story is, it's not what prompted me to title this post with an allusion to The Hunger Games. Instead, I'm drawn to the connotation of the word "tribute" and how it's connected to Isaiah's call. Tribute is literally the thing given as an offering to someone. (Offering's a weird word too; it's a gift given to someone way more important than you.) When Katniss volunteers as tribute, she is the offering. She stands up to say that her life will be given completely and fully to the Capitol. When Isaiah says he's volunteering, he's giving his whole life as an offering to the Lord (just as Paul commands in Romans).

Let's look a little deeper in to Katniss's decision though: when she stands up to take Primrose's place, she becomes the gift from the whole district to the Capitol. Katniss made the decision, but the whole community sent her. She shouts the memorable line of her own accord, but it's the district that takes credit for her when she shows up in the games. She's the girl from District 12.

Here's where I come in (thanks for your patience). I am standing up and volunteering my life as tribute; it's the gift. However, I'm not going on my own - I'm being sent by the church. The leadership and members of Westport are sending me with excitement as I move forward to serve in Germany, but they are not the only ones. I had the honor of being sent out by the Embassy in Denver this Sunday, and I can't begin to describe the joy I felt to have Cheri and Jacquie wrap their arms around me as Brandon prayed over me.

(I'm going to deviate from The Hunger Games for a minute, but I'll bring it back.) This family I have at the Embassy is amazing. These people spent time with me for a week last summer, and the whole Westport team bonded with everyone we met way deeper than a summer camp pen pals way. These people are my family. I came home and told everyone about how blessed I was by the experience of serving alongside these people in Denver (I also raved about the love of my life, Elijah, who is the cutest one-year-old on the planet). You may be able to imagine how excited I was when my parents agreed to visit the Embassy with me a couple weeks ago while they were in Colorado at the same time as I was. (Well, in order to appreciate my excitement, you should know I'm quite fond of my parents, and I really do enjoy sharing the important things in my life with them.)

Talking to my mom tonight, she told me how much she enjoyed meeting my Embassy family. She also told me how real and genuine she felt her interactions with them were in the brief amount of time she spent with them. There was no need for fake pleasantries when my families met. I love that that's the way the body of Christ works because I feel as close to my Embassy family as I do to my Westport family, and my mom and dad are part of that as well.

Because of that deep family connection, when I stood up and shouted, "I volunteer as tribute!" to God (or whatever version of "Here I am, send me!" I actually articulated) Westport and the Embassy stood with me to send me out. And before my metaphor breaks down because I'm not being sent to a televised battle of children killing each other, I'll finish with this thought: Katniss didn't volunteer for the fame or the glory; she just stepped up to do what was right for her to do.

I'm not planning to start a political revolution (though I'm not opposed to sparking a spiritual revival - I'll expect you to call me the Girl on Fire if I do), but I am doing something I find pretty scary because it's what I'm supposed to do. Katniss was protecting her sister; I'm obeying the Lord by volunteering for a position that he has equipped me to do (apparently not everyone is excited by grammar - it's my mission to intervene in the lives of freshmen at BFA to demonstrate how fun complex sentence structures can be). I am still amazed at how well the Lord has equipped me for this position, but it shouldn't surprise me when I see how perfectly he prepared Isaiah for his mission. Before Isaiah even volunteered, the Lord gave him clean lips to speak his message, and before I stepped up to teach overseas, the Lord gave me passion for students and understanding of grammar.  

A Free Lunch... well, dinner... and it was breakfast food...

This evening, I had the privilege of sitting down with two of my parents' best friends to talk to them about financially supporting me. We met at a Village Inn for dinner with my dad, and I was so excited to talk to them about what I will be doing in Germany in the coming months. I'll be honest, I was also excited for the bacon and eggs; I'm a sucker for breakfast food at any meal. After we caught up a bit, I shared with them the whole story of how the Lord led me to apply for jobs overseas and finally accept this position at Black Forest Academy. I talked about my passion for this demographic of students who I can so freely share the beauty of Jesus with during my lessons. (Grammar is an amazing reflection of how we serve a God of order not a God of chaos!) They told me they were excited to partner with me, and we continued talking about what I will get to do for God's kingdom with their partnership.

I get so excited when I get to share that I can talk to students about the freedom of the Gospel in my classroom because I remember growing up saturated in Christianese and watched a lot of kids I went to high school with walk away from their faith after misinterpreting it as bondage rather than freedom. Another one of my favorite things about this fundraising process for me is how humbling it is. I'm so loved by so many people, and I'm repeatedly humbled by the excitement of others to partner with me financially. People who know me believe in me enough to send me overseas to teach and love missionary kids. Of course I shared this, and, of course, God gave me another reason to be humbled.

After we finished eating, the hostess and waiter came to our table to let us know that the family who had just left the booth next to us had paid for our meal because they overheard that I was going on a mission trip. I still can hardly process how to respond. I'll never be able to thank that family in this lifetime, but some sibling in Christ chose to share in God's work tonight by blessing me with a free meal. No strings attached. What a great picture of the ministry I want to do: love and teach these kids no strings attached.

Best Friends FOREVER

On the last day of third grade, my best friend Jessica came over to play. We never wanted the afternoon to end because we knew that she was moving to Minnesota and this was our last chance to see each other for a very long time. I remember sobbing when we had to drop her off at her house. My granny had to pull me back into my seat as we drove away because I was pressing my face against the back window to make my last glimpse of Jessica last a few seconds longer. It was a very dramatic scene, I know, but when you're ten, everything is dramatic. At least, that was my experience.

We wrote letters to each other often, and I saved every single thing she sent me. Cleaning out old boxes in my parents garage, I ran across my BFF binder with drawings and letters from Jess. It brought back fond memories of my best friend, though we had sadly lost touch over the years. Our letters became less and less frequent to one another until we finally stopped writing. There was no fallout, just middle school keeping us occupied in the places we were rather than writing letters to someone across the country.

I've had a lot of good friends fade out of my life in different ways, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just terrible at maintaining friendships. One of my greatest fears in leaving the States is leaving behind the few good friends I do have to go to a place where I have no friends. I know that I'll be able to meet new people and establish great relationships in Germany, but it's hard to think that I'll be starting from scratch and working to maintain the friendships I have back in the States. I'd just begun to process this and articulate this fear in the last week or so, but I should have realized that the Lord had already worked out a solution to my imaginary problem.

I just got off the phone with my best friend Jessica who has been living in Germany for the last four years; she's just two hours away from where I'll be living.

Half an hour before our phone call, I accidentally clicked on the "other" tab in my Facebook messages. (Did you know there was an "other" tab on Facebook messages? What the heck, Facebook?) There I found a short note Jess had sent me two years ago. I replied quickly with a short update that I was moving to Germany soon, and within minutes she replied back asking for my phone number. I noticed that the reply was sent from a mobile device in a city with a German name.

Needless to say, I replied with my phone number and was talking to Jess in minutes. Clearly our conversation wasn't just like when we were ten - I think we spent a lot of time talking about ponies then - but it was so natural to be on the phone with my best friend. I'm even more excited for my move now because when I'm saddened by the thought of leaving people in two months, I can remember that I get to see my best friend from the third grade in two months.

For Narnia

When I was a kid, my dad read the Chronicles of Narnia to me and taught me a deep appreciation for the literary genius of Lewis and Tolkien. A while back, I discovered that my friend's kids had not yet read the Chronicles of Narnia, and I begged her for the opportunity to read the books aloud to her two sons. Little did I know that the Lord would use this simple action to glorify his name. My friend asked her kids, and they agreed to try it out. The first grader made it through The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but didn't quite have the attention span to make it past that. However, I read through the entire series with her middle schooler. At some point, he asked if we could read The Lord of the Rings after; I agreed, and we're now over half way through The Fellowship of the Ring.

When we began Lewis's books long ago, and even when I agreed to begin the Tolkien trilogy, I planned to be around long after we finished the lengthy reading endeavor. However, the Lord stepped into my plans and asked me to move to Germany as a full time missionary which means I won't be able to finish reading The Lord of the Rings with my fantastic kiddo. This is where it gets awesome, though, because while I won't be able to stick around to finish reading the books aloud, my friend told me today that her family wants to support me financially - in particular, her middle schooler wants to support me.

I got tears in my eyes when she told me because I am so humbled by the resources God is pulling together to send me overseas. I still have a long way to go in my support raising, but gifts from the students I serve in incredibly thoughtful. This kid believes in me enough to give of his own resources so that I can serve others in Germany. I won't let him down.

Today Counts

I'm humbled by the number of people who want to know what I'm up to each day. I graduated this week, and that's an important step in my journey. I promised to update everyone who subscribed to my newsletter with big things like that, so I just sent out my May newsletter reflecting on that. However, here is where I promised to put the little things that impact who I am and what is going on in my in relationship to my journey in Germany.

Well, I'm more than two months away from being overseas, so what kinds of things will be here for that time period? Here's what's running through my head right now: I'm two months away from moving to Germany, and I'm still able to think about things other than Germany. Shouldn't I be consumed with planning things and fundraising and stressing out? I'm oddly at peace, and my strongest desire is to have a Frosty and french fries with Grace before I go.

Qdoba with Rachel and Starbucks with Sam were highlights of a weekend, and I'm realizing what a blessing it is that the relationships I have are the focus of my attention rather than the paperwork and plans.

After explaining to one of my students the purpose behind my decision to move, she told me that she hoped to make a similar decision someday. She was struck by the fact that I was moving overseas to demonstrate what being sold out for Jesus looks like, and I was struck by the fact that she thought she had to wait to live that way. I have two months left in the States, and I'm going to make every day count.

Tomorrow I have a coffee date, lunch plans, and a movie night with friends - each of those interactions count.

Out of Control

I am moving to Germany in three months.

That's important information to know before you read this blog. I am going to teach at a fantastic school called Black Forest Academy tucked in a tiny village in southwest Germany. I am incredibly excited to begin this journey, but I am also terrified. I've never gone overseas, and I've never even lived outside of the state of Oregon. My world is pretty small right now, but I'm excited to see it grow.

While my world might be small, I have certainly been blessed by countless amazing people who care about what I'm doing with my life. As I've shared that I'm moving overseas, I've heard over and over that people would like to know what I'm doing. This blog is one attempt to keep people informed. I'll still send out less frequent newsletters, but I want this to be a place for people who are interested in the little things to read what I'm doing on a more regular basis. My plan is to update this more frequently though on a more informal basis. Here I'll tell you what's going through my head as it's happening, and hopefully my newsletter will be a little more refined.

Right now, here's my update: My life is out of my control.

That's not really a surprise since the whole reason I decided to move overseas was to learn to be less of a control freak. I'm not supposed to be in control. I have a mark on my foot that tells me that I've given my life to someone else. That tattoo tells me that I have a Master who has a better plan for my life than I do. I'm so thankful for that.

My thankfulness doesn't completely eliminate my fear, however. At the back of my mind is the very scary reality that I am moving away from everything and everyone I've ever known and living off the generosity of people who love me and believe in what I'm going to do. From the start, the money has not been a paralyzing fear, but I will admit as the days go by and my account stays dry, I'm increasingly scared that I can't control where my money comes from.

I am also quite the planner, and not to know what classes I'll be teaching in the fall is a little - how should I say this - unnerving? I know I have a job, but I may not know what classes I'll be teaching until I arrive. All of the possibilities are exciting classes, but, as a planner, I'd just like to know so I can bring the best resources with me (maybe even plan a unit or two over the summer).

While these two big things and a lot of other little things are out of my control in my life, I have a peace that surpasses understanding. I have control of my response to the situation that I'm in, and I'm choosing joy. I just finished my student teaching experience this week, and joy has come even more easily to recognize the stress of student teaching is over. It's also easy to choose joy when I realize that I have built lasting friendships with the amazing staff at Gaston, I have the freedom to spend time with my FUEL kiddos over the next few weeks, I can devote more time to reading, and every day takes me closer to the One who is in control.